| |
| |
|
All about Grief & Loss |
|
|
|
Then and Now
Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death and grief were popular subjects for poems, songs and stories. Grieving was considered a natural and acceptable part of the culture. People in mourning wore black clothing and/or black arm bands, women wore black veils, and it was common to see a black wreath on the door of the home of a bereaved family, announcing publicly that this was a home of sorrow. Bereavement was conspicuous and there were very specific societal customs designed to support people during the mourning process. However, during that same era, no person of breeding or gentility would ever openly mention sex! Even any reference to gender was carefully couched in delicate terminology. Arms and legs were referred to as "limbs" and they were covered almost completely. Any form of touching or even intimacy of language was carefully proscribed by the customs of the time. Sex was a taboo subject, and it was largely considered to be dirty, shameful, disgusting, and for most women, barely tolerable! How different it is now--over one hundred years later! We have done a cultural 180 degree turn. Now, sex has become a subject (and a commodity) that is fair game for every movie and TV screen. It is generally exploited in newspapers and magazines and is commonly and widely used as a sales promotion gimmick. On the other hand, grief and mourning have suddenly become the closeted issue. In many circles it is not considered polite or in good taste to forthrightly mention the sadness caused by death. Well-mannered bereaved people are expected to keep their pain private and silent. Sometimes, even employment is endangered by any visible sign of emotion. But both of these conditions--sex and death--are normal, natural parts of the human experience, and, ironically, they are both connected to love. In a truly healthy society, neither sex nor death should be subjects that we ought to fear or loathe or avoid. It would seem that our current preoccupation with aberrant, bizarre and overabundant sex might be a backlash effect of the hush-hush of the Victorian era. Whenever we create an aura of "forbidden fruit" around any phenomena, we often give it an appealing mystery that makes it more intriguing to investigate in somewhat less healthy ways. When the bans are lifted (as they were for sex in our country in the late 1960s), all cautions can often be thrown aside in favor of an almost insane overreaction. Unless we liberate mourning from its current place of hiding and unacceptability, we are in danger of having a similar backlash of bizarre proportions in the next ten or twenty years. Sometime in the twenty-first century, grieving could possibly acquire some amazingly out-of-control rituals. We need to declare our own freedom from the restraints concerning dying and grieving that have been placed on us by a frightened and cobbled society. Let us kindly, but firmly, declare our rights to feel and express our pain in ways that are healthy and open. With that right, of course, comes the responsibility to do no harm either to others or to ourselves. With kindness and a "do-no-harm" attitude, we can take a firm stand on the solid ground of our rights. We can cry, speak about our losses if we want to, verbalize our memories, safely express our anger and frustrations, withdraw for awhile, be confused and disoriented, solicit and expect help and support, and (maybe most important of all) make no apologies for our condition. We need never crumble under the criticism of those who have not walked in our sandals. The number is legion of well-meaning caregivers who appoint themselves experts in determining what is "best" for us, so we need to claim for ourselves the basic freedom to trust and follow our own instincts and to disentangle our emotions from their benevolent chains. We have the right to gently explain to them that we've been where they are, but they have not been where we are. We don't even expect them to understand us, but we what do expect-even require-is that they take our word for it when we tell them how it is. Viva freedom! Good Grief Resources (http://www.goodgriefresources.com) was conceived and founded by Andrea Gambill whose 17-year-old daughter died in 1976. In 1977, she founded one of the earliest chapters of The Compassionate Friends, an international bereaved-parent support group. In 1987, she founded and edited Bereavement magazine, and in 2000, she joined Centering Corporation as Editor of their new magazine, Grief Digest. Twenty eight years of experience in grief support has provided valuable insights into the unique needs of the bereaved and their caregivers and wide access to many excellent resources.
MORE RESOURCES:
Grief-Loss - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business As a small business owner we have to deal with tax law changes, local ordinances, environmental laws, Worker's Compensation, etc. Just when we thought we had everything under control, something terrible happenes. Grief If you have ever lost someone dear to you it is likely that you can still summon up the grief that you may still be carrying deep inside yourself as a result of the loss. If this grief, which is usually felt as a deep saddness, is something that you would like to clear in yourself then you may find some hope here. Afraid Of Dying? Afraid Of Living! Over the years, I've heard many people voice their concerns of death and dying. It wasn't that they had any maladies that would cause them to die any time soon, but they were "afraid of their own immortality. Suicide in the Church, Part 3 Suicide strikes.. Anticipatory Grief and Ongoing Sadness for Caregivers In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published her famous book; On Death and Dying and later went on to launch the Hospice movement in America. One Womans Way of Dealing With Grief All of us at one time or another have felt grief: perhaps over a lost job, lost love, or the most heartbreaking, the death of someone we loved dearly. Each of us goes about the task of grieving in our own distinct way. Scared to Death of Dying and Denying Grief When I invited Martha to the gathering at my house, she accepted the invitation cheerfully. Martha was new to the area and so I thought this small potluck I was hosting would be a chance for her to get to know other women in our town. The Truth About Emotional Intelligence There is so much emphasis on emotional intelligence these days that it appears that people are suppressing their emotions and problems in an effort to "fit in," to keep their jobs, and using "positive self-talk" to muscle through the rough spots in their lives.Recently, I had a friend over who has suffered enormous job stress during a time when his wife's father was dying of cancer. Miracles? If we were to organize a list of the thorniest problems for the bereaved, certainly somewhere near the top would be the question of miracles. Everybody has heard anecdotal stories of certain people who have suffered incredible, life-threatening injuries or illness, but who have somehow recovered against all odds. Pet Loss: Significant and Profound Loss or Much Ado about Nothing? For those who have deeply loved and lost their animal companions, the answer is obvious and yet disturbing. There are still far too many people in our culture who minimize and trivialize the loss of a pet. Good Grief! If tears are an indication of how special my relationship with my mother was, I cry with pride! I've come to see grief as pain with a purpose. Interestingly enough, as I cared for my mother in my home the last several weeks of her life, much of what I had learned through spiritual teachings about death had gone out the window. Dying On the Inside: A Childs Grief The impatient tooting of a car horn startled us into awareness. No one had thought beyond making it through the grievous night. After Suicide: Returning to Life, Thanks to an Owl Have you ever lost the ability to laugh? I did.When Arlyn died, I knew I would never laugh again. On Empathy The Encyclopaedia Britannica (1999 edition) defines empathy as:"The ability to imagine oneself in anther's place and understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions. It is a term coined in the early 20th century, equivalent to the German Einfühlung and modelled on "sympathy. Dads, Life, and Death When he looked at me, it was clear my father wasn't sure who I was. And as I looked back at him, I wasn't sure who he was, either. Why Does God Allow Suffering? Justin was a typical ten year old boy. He liked Leggos, trains, and watching TV. One Stray Tear The delight lit my face as the couple turned the corner into the hallway where we stood in lively conversation. I threw my arms open wide, ignored the cell phones plastered to their ears, greeted each of them, first the husband then the wife who followed slightly behind him. Grief I didn't know a heart could die before it stopped beating. I didn't know a life could cease before it stopped breathing. Moving Beyond Grief and Loss In my work as a coach and therapist, I have seen many clients dealing with losses of all kinds-loss of loved ones through death and divorce, for instance. These experiences are difficult for everyone. When The Spirit Leaves The Body Do you spend most of your time inside or outside of your body? If you know what I'm talking about then I can almost certainly say that you have spent some time outside of your body.What does it even mean to "be outside" of one's body? Well, in order to appreciate what this means you must have an experience of your "Self" first and then you must be able to "feel" where that "Self" is geographically speaking.
|
| home | site map |
| tons-of-articles © 2006 |
